I. Origins: The Romans
Guidos have thrived since the dawn of mankind. Their roots can be traced back to the early indigenous peoples of Sicily and as far north as Genoa. Ancient Roman legend attributes the origin of the guido to the god Apollo, who, according to the historian Suetonius, "rode down from the heavens in his golden Camaro and spun kick ass beats upon his magical lyre at The Pantheon. And thus, Apollo the Archer pierced the womb of a lone Vestal Virgin, who upon the summer solstice birthed the vaunted orators Guido Major and Guido Minor."
The brothers Major and Minor are widely considered as the forebears of the guido brethren, a perpetually evolving cultural phenomena defined by rampant displays of douche-baggery and excessive machismo. From infancy the brothers were the subjects of great public adulation due to the circumstances of their conception. As they matured into active citizens, Major and Minor both rose within the bureaucracy to the position of aedile, and gained even more notoriety for developing an expressive form of public speaking that consisted of repeated crouch grabs and fist pumps. Word of Major and Minor's distinctive oratory style quickly spread throughout the Roman Republic, resulting in generations of ambitious young plebeians adopting it as their own in hopes of rising through the social ranks and scoring a babe.
Major and Minor’s influence upon the ancient Roman world was so significant that it was not uncommon to find oratory schools devoted to the teaching of the guido way long after their death. Some historians even contend that the death of Julius Caesar was not a murder at the hands of the Senate, but rather, a tragic fist pumping incident gone awry during a heated debate. As retribution for the dictator’s accidental death, Mark Antony, a loud-mouthed douche, had the great statesman Cicero’s hands chopped off and nailed to the entrance of The Forum to send a message to the Senate about the dangers of excessive fist pumping.
Thousands of years have passed since Guido Major and Guido Minor first fist pumped at the Forum, and yet, many of their traits are still seen in today's guido. Join us next week as we continue our series on guido evolution, tracing their meteoric rise in power as Rome transformed into an empire and their fall from grace and near extinction during the dark ages. Until then, keep fist pumping.
--CR
